Self Compassion as a Practice of Presence
Updated: 4 days ago
The idea of self-compassion has become more popular in our collective awareness, and with that, some misunderstanding of what it really is.
This is a bummer because at its core, self compassion has the ability to transform our relationship to life, to the moment, and to ourselves and others. It sure has for me.
Where I once was disconnected from myself and my emotions, over-identifying with my intellect, and feeling frustrated, isolated, and depressed—the practice of self-compassion has given me the strength to soften and to return to the wisdom of what is untamed within me.
It is a practice that continues to bring me back to myself again and again and again.
And while it may not be for everyone in this particular way, I think we can all learn something from the heart of it.
What is self compassion?
Self Compassion is a deeply rooted practice of presence and natural resilience.
It is a pathway to living in the moment as it is, freely and with choice, while connecting us more deeply to our humanity.
It is an expression of curiosity and courage; gentleness and strength.
Self compassion is not simply being kind or praising ourselves in an effort to feel better. It is not just being nicer to ourselves (although it may include that at times).
Self-compassion is committed to seeing reality as it is, rather than masking or avoiding.
And sometimes the moment of life in front of us is a total struggle bus.
We just had an argument with a loved one.
We lost our job.
We are suddenly overcome by nerves before a presentation.
Or, we missed the actual bus.
These are the moments of life just as much as the joys and everything in between. So wouldn't it be awesome if we could be a little bit more on our own team when they happen?
The word compassion literally means to suffer with. There is an acknowledgment of the suffering and difficulty of life innate in this practice.
Self compassion does not avoid or cover over. Instead, it says “Yes, this is happening, and I can be with that.”
And here’s where it gets kind of magical:
When we face and make space for difficult experiences and emotions while staying rooted, something happens.
The discomfort shifts and our perspective lifts.
Life continues to move.
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Our Innate Resilience
The truth is, us humans are much more resilient than we often think (well, thinking is sometimes part of our problem 🤪).
When we practice self compassion, we are tapping into our evolutionary code— something much more foundational to our experience than our monkey minds.
We can shift from a reactive or fear-based response (reptilian brain) to our more-evolved mammalian system, which has come to rely on nurture and care to thrive. (See: The Compassionate Species)
When we engage in a practice such as self compassion, we are pausing, feeling, naming, and purposefully becoming more conscious in the moment (hello, practice of presence).
And this is also why I sometimes refer to Self Compassion as a spiritual path, because not only are we taking part in our own and collective evolution (by leaning into our more evolved thinking capacity), we are waking up to a more accurate sense of who or what we really are.
We are shifting from an ego-centered identity (the one who suffers or needs uplifting), to one that is more expansive and Ultimately Okay (the one who holds the moment and nurtures).
I know… it can sound a little trippy. As with most things embodiment-related, it’s best understood through practice.
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How to Practice
Sometimes the practice of self-compassion is so simple we might miss it.
It can be as simple as pausing, breathing, and feeling.
We’re not trying to fix or perfect ourselves. We don’t have to make anything happen but simply be with our experiences a bit more fully and trust the wisdom of what comes next.
We are moving from a mind-dominated experience of emotions and desires to one that is more balanced in the body and heart (notice I am not suggesting that we ditch the mind altogether, but instead bring ourselves into balance with our two other centers of intelligence: heart and body).
Our minds are what create the story around a feeling, which can keep us stuck in it, e.g. “I’m an anxious mess” —or stuck in avoiding the raw feeling, e.g. “I can’t believe he did this to me, he’s such a jerk.”
To integrate the body into these experiences, we can use the story to direct us toward the sensation of the emotion.
For example, “I’m an anxious mess” turns into “Hmm… what does this anxiety feel like in my body… What does it need?” From there maybe I have a slow cup of tea and take something off my to-do list.
“I can’t believe he did this to me, he’s such a jerk” turns into “Wow, I’m really hurt by what he did... I feel a tightness is my chest.” From there, maybe I let out a good cry, write about it and get clear, then communicate what didn't feel good.
When we are no longer so identified with the thoughts around our raw experience, more potential opens up.
It is in this space where we can allow ourselves a moment to simply feel and then move into action (if called for), likely from a place of deeper wisdom and authentic care.
You may be surprised how often the experiences we once resisted either shift or have something very important to share or express. Sometimes there's nothing to do at all.
It reminds me of one of my favorite Rumi poems titled The Guest House.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
You can see that it takes a real kind of strength to actually be with the discomfort of life’s moments without trying to make them go away. There’s a kind of trust in the process of life that develops over time.
It's worth that noting that the type of strength I'm referring to here is inseparable from gentleness. We are not pushing through or away, but leaning in and open.
Sometimes this leaning in can be too much for our system, especially when we're talking about an overwhelmed, stressed, burnt out, or traumatized system.
Self Compassion goes slowly towards discomfort, and learns to ease up or ask for support when being with is just too much.
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Final Thoughts
In short, self compassion is a practice of being with.
When difficulty arises, can I be with this as it is? Can I allow myself to feel whatever messy feeling is here more fully without trying to solve it? Can I even take delight in this aspect of my humanity?
It is a pathway to Presence; a way out of the story-loop of our minds. It is a return home to ourselves.
Over time we are building our capacity to be with life. The highs, the lows, and every magically mundane moment in between.
Remember, Self Compassion is not simply being nicer to ourselves nor is it diving head first into a world of despair. Instead, we are holding space for the humanity in us to move and take shape, no matter the visitor at our door.
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References~
I have learned about the practice of Self Compassion from many teachers. Two primary standouts include the work of Kristin Neff and Tara Brach. And of course, it is a practice that I have also discovered much on my own, because it is after all, innate within each of us.
Will you discover it for you? It can be as simple as a pause.
xo, you're doing great ~
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